During the COVID-19 pandemic, a family took advantage of lower cruise ship prices and booked a trip. The journey became challenging when one of the ship’s propeller motors failed, forcing the cancellation of several port stops. While some passengers were upset about the changes, this particular family felt grateful simply to be on board after nearly missing departure due to a flat tire and lack of a spare in their rental car.
The author, who researches gratitude, reflected on how this experience shaped his perspective. He explained that their relief at making it onto the ship lessened their disappointment over missed destinations: “For the rest of the trip, we were just grateful to be there. Missing a few ports? No big deal compared to missing the ship entirely.”
He discussed how gratitude is often associated with positive events or things people do for us but suggested that people can also feel thankful for negative events that did not occur—a concept philosophers call “counterfactuals.” This type of thinking involves imagining what could have happened but did not.
The article outlined three forms of “beneficial absences”—things that did not happen but could have—which can foster gratitude:
1. Avoided disasters: Comparing one’s current situation with worse alternatives that almost occurred can increase thankfulness.
2. Withheld criticism or discipline: Feeling grateful when others choose not to criticize or punish can be linked to recognizing acts of grace.
3. Respecting autonomy by withholding help: Sometimes people are grateful when advice or assistance is intentionally withheld out of respect for personal independence.
Research cited in the article indicates that reflecting on narrowly avoided bad outcomes may strengthen feelings of gratitude more than recalling happy experiences alone.
The author encouraged readers to practice gratitude by considering situations where misfortune was avoided, judgment was withheld, or unnecessary advice was not given: “Gratitude isn’t just about what’s seen and said—it’s also about the criticisms swallowed, the advice people resisted giving, and the disasters we narrowly missed.”
